GOODBYE NA BA?...

I’m going to stop this blog. This is going to be my last entry.
Oh well, it has always been like this. Once a not-so-good event happens, I’ll end writing entries for the blog and sooner or later, I’ll start a new one with a new topic.

I know it’s not good to just walk away from something once things start going out of your control, or once bad things fire up. A lot of times I’ve tried to get that habit out of my system, but from time to time, I still find myself doing it…
Like when I got not-so-high grades in my writing class. I started feeling down and depressed because I can’t seem to write something good, at least good for my professor that will merit me a good grade. It’s not that I get failing marks; it’s just that I’ve always prided myself to be a writer and believing that you are one and not being able to get good grades in your writing class is not a pleasant matter. So--- I dropped the class.
Or the time back in high school when I trained to be our school paper’s photojournalist. My adviser gave me a deadline in submitting the pictures I took, and the day before the deadline, the film got exposed. My second attempt was successful, but because I did it in a hurry, my adviser wasn’t pleased about my works. I got so frustrated that I quit training and did not attend the staff’s meeting for a couple of weeks.
Then there was the time when I spent sleepless nights just to finish editing the descriptions for our batch’s yearbook. I religiously edited almost 200 descriptions after writing almost one-fourth of them, and even spent the whole Christmas vacation to finish the task, only to find out that our editor, who happens to be my friend, lost the copy of my works. I didn’t join them afterwards because that would entail that I write the descriptions and edit them again. I only came back after they had solved the skirmish already.
But I’m fond of that habit not only to escape problems at school and at work, but also when dealing with me personal problems.
Like now.
Well, this isn’t really a problem, but more of a dilemma. (You all know what it is; it’s in my last blog.)
Like what I wrote in my last blog, that matter shouldn’t really affect me. But I am affected. And don’t even bother to ask me why, because I’ve also been figuring out why for a couple of days now. It’s not like I got heartbroken, but it was more like realizing that you are crushing on somebody who to your surprise and luck, happens to be at the social circle connected to yours, somebody within your reach, and at the same time, trying to convince yourself that it has to start and stay as a crush because he’s dating somebody else, also somebody connected to your social circle.
Believe me, it’s not easy because you tend to do crazy things (such as starting a blog about HIM, like this) and start to get paranoid after because you start thinking, “What if they (he and his girlfriend) find out about this?” And then you convince yourself that you have every right to be crazy and obsessed about HIM and be upfront about it. Then you start thinking otherwise. You’ll find yourself confused, if not insane.
And then there are your friends who know HIM and the GIRLFRIEND. At first, you are so happy that there are people who sort of connect you to him, and who you can ask for information about him. You get to know his favorites, the things happening to him and his life, plus, you get to brag about how much information you know about your crush. But it’s different when your friends cum spies, start telling you and giving you details about HIM and HIS GIRLFRIEND, sharing how pretty the girl is, or how they got together, what they did at this certain time of the day, and how much your crush loves his girlfriend. You shouldn’t get hurt, but you get affected. Why? Well, simply because even if you said a couple of times that it’s just a crush, nothing to be taken seriously, somehow, there is a part of you, however small it is, who dreams that someday the two of you may have the chance to be together. And hearing stories about his girlfriend and him somehow makes you realize that your dream is impossible. The linkage to him because of your common friends is broken because you find out that he’s linked, and is committed to somebody else. Therefore, it’s not a nice thought.
Whatever I wrote on the previous paragraph is merely an attempt to express how I really feel. But it’s not precise. I cannot fully express what or how I feel. I just believe that I cannot go on with this obsession anymore, even if, this is something that brings out a positive effect on me.
And so I say goodbye to Jonathan Rogel Uichico. This is not a sad goodbye. I’m not even crying. Those months of obsession were awesome, really. It made me recognize that I’m still capable of crushing on someone, however cynical I got about guys, dating and relationships. It was fun. All the kilig stuffs, all the crazy things, all the fantasies…they were all fun.
I know we’ll be seeing each other soon Johann…I don’t know how I’m going to react when I see you…but as they say, I’ll just cross the bridge when I get there…