ayan...masaya na kayo?!? (Epilogue)

Kung nababasa n'yo na 'tong entry na 'to, malamang nabasa n'yo na yung entry bago dito. sinadya ko nang lagyan ng epilogue kahit walang prologue kasi I want everybody to know what I have to say about this goodbye brouhaha.
IT SUCKS.
It really do.
Pero yun nga lang, prinsipyo ko bilang aspiring writer na panindigan kung ano ang mga isinusulat ko. Wala nang bawian. Sabi nga ng mentor ko, mahirap kapag naisulat mo na (in this case nai-type mo na at nai-post mo na) dahil kahit burahin mo pa yan, mag-iiwan 'yan ng marka, palatandaang minsan ay isinulat o ginawa mo 'to. Naniniwala akong delikadong magsalita at magsulat nang hindi mo kayang panindigan, dahil kahit kailan hindi mo na mababawi ang naisulat o nasabi mo na. Gagawa na ito ng sarili nitong puwang sa mundo, kapansin-pansin man o hindi.
Lagi akong ganito. Kapag mayroong nangyayari sa buhay kong hindi masyadong maganda, ibubunganga ko muna ng ilang araw, tapos isusulat ko, tapos tatahimik na ako. Sandali lang naman akong mananahimik, pero makahulugan ang pananahimik na 'yon.
Naidaldal ko na. Naisulat ko na.
Mananahimik na ako.
Sabi nga ni Mama, problema ko raw kasi, siniseryoso ko kahit mga maliliit na bagay. Tulad nito, crush lang, at porket nagkabalikan na sila, magmumukmok na ako?!? Ang babaw ko talaga.
Anyway, nangyari na eh.
Kaya para sa mga taong matagal nang naiiyamot sa akin, o 'di kaya inaasar na ako dahil dito sa "Johann thing" na 'to:
Ano masaya na kayo?!? Nakita n'yo, wala na, nagpaalam na ako. Wala na kayong pagdidiskitahan, wala na kayong irereklamong lagi kong kinukwento at dinadaldal at wala na kayong mababasang mga mura na masasambit ko sa sobrang pagkahumaling ko kay Johann. Oo, tinatapos ko na 'to. Gaya nga ng sinasabi n'yo, ours is a hopeless case. Isang malaking kababawan at kabaliwan.
Mamimiss ko si Johann at ang kabaliwan ko sa kanya.
Mamimiss n'yo rin sa wakas ang kaingayan at kagagahan ko...
Tatahimik na 'ko.

GOODBYE NA BA?...

I’m going to stop this blog. This is going to be my last entry.
Oh well, it has always been like this. Once a not-so-good event happens, I’ll end writing entries for the blog and sooner or later, I’ll start a new one with a new topic.

I know it’s not good to just walk away from something once things start going out of your control, or once bad things fire up. A lot of times I’ve tried to get that habit out of my system, but from time to time, I still find myself doing it…
Like when I got not-so-high grades in my writing class. I started feeling down and depressed because I can’t seem to write something good, at least good for my professor that will merit me a good grade. It’s not that I get failing marks; it’s just that I’ve always prided myself to be a writer and believing that you are one and not being able to get good grades in your writing class is not a pleasant matter. So--- I dropped the class.
Or the time back in high school when I trained to be our school paper’s photojournalist. My adviser gave me a deadline in submitting the pictures I took, and the day before the deadline, the film got exposed. My second attempt was successful, but because I did it in a hurry, my adviser wasn’t pleased about my works. I got so frustrated that I quit training and did not attend the staff’s meeting for a couple of weeks.
Then there was the time when I spent sleepless nights just to finish editing the descriptions for our batch’s yearbook. I religiously edited almost 200 descriptions after writing almost one-fourth of them, and even spent the whole Christmas vacation to finish the task, only to find out that our editor, who happens to be my friend, lost the copy of my works. I didn’t join them afterwards because that would entail that I write the descriptions and edit them again. I only came back after they had solved the skirmish already.
But I’m fond of that habit not only to escape problems at school and at work, but also when dealing with me personal problems.
Like now.
Well, this isn’t really a problem, but more of a dilemma. (You all know what it is; it’s in my last blog.)
Like what I wrote in my last blog, that matter shouldn’t really affect me. But I am affected. And don’t even bother to ask me why, because I’ve also been figuring out why for a couple of days now. It’s not like I got heartbroken, but it was more like realizing that you are crushing on somebody who to your surprise and luck, happens to be at the social circle connected to yours, somebody within your reach, and at the same time, trying to convince yourself that it has to start and stay as a crush because he’s dating somebody else, also somebody connected to your social circle.
Believe me, it’s not easy because you tend to do crazy things (such as starting a blog about HIM, like this) and start to get paranoid after because you start thinking, “What if they (he and his girlfriend) find out about this?” And then you convince yourself that you have every right to be crazy and obsessed about HIM and be upfront about it. Then you start thinking otherwise. You’ll find yourself confused, if not insane.
And then there are your friends who know HIM and the GIRLFRIEND. At first, you are so happy that there are people who sort of connect you to him, and who you can ask for information about him. You get to know his favorites, the things happening to him and his life, plus, you get to brag about how much information you know about your crush. But it’s different when your friends cum spies, start telling you and giving you details about HIM and HIS GIRLFRIEND, sharing how pretty the girl is, or how they got together, what they did at this certain time of the day, and how much your crush loves his girlfriend. You shouldn’t get hurt, but you get affected. Why? Well, simply because even if you said a couple of times that it’s just a crush, nothing to be taken seriously, somehow, there is a part of you, however small it is, who dreams that someday the two of you may have the chance to be together. And hearing stories about his girlfriend and him somehow makes you realize that your dream is impossible. The linkage to him because of your common friends is broken because you find out that he’s linked, and is committed to somebody else. Therefore, it’s not a nice thought.
Whatever I wrote on the previous paragraph is merely an attempt to express how I really feel. But it’s not precise. I cannot fully express what or how I feel. I just believe that I cannot go on with this obsession anymore, even if, this is something that brings out a positive effect on me.
And so I say goodbye to Jonathan Rogel Uichico. This is not a sad goodbye. I’m not even crying. Those months of obsession were awesome, really. It made me recognize that I’m still capable of crushing on someone, however cynical I got about guys, dating and relationships. It was fun. All the kilig stuffs, all the crazy things, all the fantasies…they were all fun.
I know we’ll be seeing each other soon Johann…I don’t know how I’m going to react when I see you…but as they say, I’ll just cross the bridge when I get there…

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTT!!!!!

Shit.
Shit ulit.
Isa pang shit.
That’s all I cay say.
I drowned my mind into thoughts of my research paper due tomorrow, of our barkada’s outing after and of the possibilities of meeting cute guys in Fontana.
I did this while I drowned myself into cups of coffee.
And now, I can’t figure out the real reason why I can’t sleep--- if it’s the cups of coffee I drank, or the excitement I feel for tomorrow’s outing, or the research paper I have to finish and submit tomorrow, or…
The news that I learned just a couple of minutes ago: Johann and his girlfriend are back together after almost two months of break-up.
I’m supposed to be happy. Or, frankly, it should be none of my business. They look good together, they love each other, they’re happy together. Besides, I’m way out of the picture. They were already a couple when I developed a crush on Johann, and I don’t think my having a crush on him matters on the two of them. I still remember when I first asked my friend about Johann, the first thing she told me was that he already have a girlfriend. And I was fine about it. After all, it’s just a crush. Nothing serious.
So why do I feel so shitty about it all of a sudden?!?
Maybe this Johann thing isn’t doing me any good.

TUNGKOL KAYA SAAN 'TO?!?

Hulaan n’yo kung tungkol saan ‘to?!?
Kanino pa ba?
‘Di syempre tungkol kay…JOHANN!!!
Wala na nga akong masabi tungkol sa kanya e. Kasi wala na akong balita tungkol sa kanya. Kaya nga sobrang miss na miss na miss na miss ko na s’ya.

Sometimes, I, myself, am wondering why I developed a crush on Johann, or how I even got to notice him that fateful day. As far as I can remember, there were a lot of cute and handsome guys cum prospects seated around us in Cuneta Astrodome that time, and I even remember that the reason I spotted him was because I kept looking all over the Ateneo crowd for a possible prospect (that was the reason why me and my friends stayed to watch their game anyway). I really don’t know what possessed me, that my eyes suddenly got glued in his direction.
As my friends would often tell me, he’s not that cute. They say he’s got no appeal at all. I must admit, that yes, his looks are far from that of a heartthrob.
Exaggerated as it may sound, but it seems to me that there was really this force that impelled me to look into his direction and an even greater force that sent me into having a crush on him.
But to think about it seriously, I think Johann was the archetype of my dream--- not my dream guy--- but only my dream. Having a crush on him entailed that I follow the urge to get to know him better, and in trying to do so, the dream that was hidden at the deepest part of my heart was unveiled once more for me to, I guess, start aspiring for it again. It was due to a lot of circumstances that I had to give up aspiring for that dream, and I thought that I had already let go of it. But in the course of my having a crush on Johann, the dream divulged again, and made me understand that I could never really let go of it because it will be one of the major keys towards the happiness and sense of fulfillment I long for.
Also, I guess the best thing that this “Johann endeavor” has made was that, it helped me become optimistic about life again. After an upsetting event in my life, my zest for dreaming and for living life itself died down. For sometime, I just let life pass by me, because at that time, I felt that I failed and will still fail in anything that I’ll try to pursue. But having a crush on him made me realize, more importantly, that there are better things to come, and that I shouldn’t let one ugly experience let me down. It made me consider that it wasn’t really my fault, my shortcoming, and it wasn’t a failure. That dreadful thing happened for a reason, and probably, what I deserve was something grander.
And so, this explains why I’m obsessed about Johann--- it’s because I’m obsessed about my dreams and all the wonderful feeling that comes with having a crush on him.

I MISS YOU JOHANN!!!

Huhuhuhu…
Waaaaaahhhhh!!!!!
MISS NA MISS KO NA SI JOHANN!!
Tagal ko na rin s’yang hindi nakikita…
At kapag hindi ko pa gagawan ng paraan, next year ko na s’ya ulit makikita, kapag maglalaro na s’ya sa UAAP.
Bakit ba kasi one semester lang ang men’s basketball? Dapat pinapalitan na nila yung ibang boring na events sa second semester, yung hindi nagha-harbor ng excitement…gaya ng…soccer?!?
Hehehe…bitter!
Natatawa pala ako.
Kasi hindi ko alam kung mae-excite ako o matatakot na malapit na yung October 30.
October 30--- kung kelan ko malalaman kung…ah basta…surprise na yun! Abangan n’yo na lang yung ipo-post ko sa October 30 o sa mga araw pagkatapos nun.
Masaya yun kung sa masaya…
Pero…
Ayoko munang isipin!
Kahapon, may nakilala at nakasama akong lalaki, kamukhang-kamukha noong “first love” ko, si Kessmar. Tapos, as usual, kengkoy, mabait at masarap kasama ‘tong lalaking ‘to--- mapapansin ko ba naman kung hindi?!? Well, anyway, aliw na aliw na naman ako sa kanya. Pero nung nasa brink na ako ng “crush moment”…biglang…
AYOKO! HINDI PWEDE!
GUSTO KO SI JOHANN!!!
Nagalit yung sarili ko sa akin. Bakit ba ako naghahanap ng ibang crush, eh andiyan pa naman at buhay na buhay si Johann?!?
Ang pagkakaroon ng ibang crush ay pagtataksil kay Johann…
HAHAHAHAHA…nababaliw na talaga ako!
Okay lang.
Walang pakialamanan. Ako naman ‘to e.
At…oo nga pala…I’ll take this opportunity to address something to everyone na tinatawanan ako, o ‘di kaya’y napapa-iling na lang, na-didismaya, na-iirita o basta to those people who have no whatsoever faith to this “Johann endeavor” of mine:
Wala kayong pakialam sa’kin at wala rin akong pakialam sa kung ano man ang opinion n’yo tungkol dito. As the cliché goes, everyone is entitled to his own opinion. As much as I respect your opinions and reactions, may it be violent or not, I expect you to respect my opinion, too. Pero kung ayaw n’yo, ‘di ‘wag. Wala namang epekto sa’kin e. This may not be a sane thing to do or experience, but ironically, this is what keeps my sanity intact. In this world where I always end up doing things for other people, or opting to do things in favor for other people, or to please other people, having a crush on Johann seems to be a diversion from it all…something only me and my mind could grasp and understand…something I chose to do for myself--- because, first and foremost, it makes me happy. It helps me keep that optimistic side of me whole and intact, because it helps me hold on and hope for better things to come. Again, it makes me happy. At least, Johann’s image in my mind makes me feel that there is still something I can hold on to, especially after experiencing the feeling of holding on to something, or someone for that matter, and believing on that person, after which, he leaves you hanging.
Having a crush on Johann for the past 3 months has been a therapy for me and for my crushed spirit. It made me realize that no LOSER can put me down again, and that, because he made me cry and depressed…HE’S NOTHING BUT A LOSER. He’s a loser, and I am not meant to be with him, rather, I’m meant to be with somebody like Johann--- somebody who, to give the most “mababaw” reason, knows how to play basketball, and plays basketball well. But seriously, I’m meant to be with someone who has enthusiasm and zest in life, somebody who has dreams, and works his way towards achieving it, hindi lang basta dada ng dada at yabang ng yabang, wala namang kayang ipagmayabang. A real gwapo---inside and out, gwapo talaga. Somebody with a great personality. Somebody who will uplifts my spirit, and not the type na kailangan ko pang alalayang magpakatino sa buhay n’ya, dahil nga LOSER s’ya.
A lot of people may raise eyebrows to my previous statements, pero you have to understand that I personally believe that we choose and make our own destiny. Kaya ko nasabi kung sino ang guy na meant for me.
In all of my years of existence, I kept doing things to please other people. I guess it’s high time that somebody comes and please me naman. So those of you who have no whatsoever faith in my endeavor, please, spare me from your pessimism and dull spirits and let me enjoy life, even if it entails that I be considered insane for having a crush or obsession with Jonathan Rogel Uichico.
There.
Hay…sa hinaba-haba ng litanya ko…this pice boils down to one statement:
MISS NA MISS KO NA SI JOHANN!!!

Nababaliw na ko sa'yo JOHANN...

Baliw na baliw na baliw na baliw na 'ata talaga ako kay Johann.
hindi na kaya ng powers kong hindi s'ya maisip kahit isang minuto lang.
nakita ko s'ya kahapon sa tv.
naka-salamin.
ANG GWAPO-GWAPO N'YA!!!
makalaglag panty!
hindi ko alam kung katinuan pang matatawag 'tong mga pinaggagagawa ko at pinagsasabi ko para lang sa kanya.
pero kung sabagay, kahit naman kabaliwan na nga ito, 'di pa rin ako titigil.
PUTANG INA....CRUSH NA CRUSH KO TALAG S'YA!!!
naninikip ang dibdib ko kasi hindi ko ma-express kung ga'no ko s'ya ka-crush.
ayoko na s'yang mapanaginipan sa gabi.
pero parang gusto ko din.
ayoko s'yang makita.
pero parang gusto ko din.
ayokong mabaliw dahil sa kanya.
pero parang gusto ko din.
JOHANN!!! putang'na, ano ba 'tong ginawa mo sakin???
you corrupt my soul... conquer my mind...you fill my thoughts...
SHEEEEEEEET!!!!
ang gwapo mo talaga!
i swear...pag nabasa mo talaga 'to...sheeeeeeett!!!!!
sheeet na malufeeeeeet talaga!
putang ina!
ok lang.
hehehe...

Ewan...

Ewan ko.
Ewan ko talaga.
Teka…pang-ilang ewan ko na ba ‘to?
At pang-ilang blog ko na ‘to na tungkol pa rin sa’yo?
Ewan.
Tama na nga ‘yang puro ewan ang nasasabi ko…
Sana magkaroon na ng sense ‘tong mga pinagsasabi ko…
Pati na rin ‘tong mga pinag-gagagawa’t pinagsusulat ko…
Wala nga ‘ba ‘tong sense?
Shit.
Pa’no mawawalan ng sense e tungkol ‘to sa’yo?
Na naman?!?
Tungkol na naman sa’yo?
Hindi pa ba ako nagsasawa?
Hindi.
Bakit hindi?
Ewan.
Shit. Sinabi nang tama na yung ewan na sagot e.
E ewan naman talaga. Anong magagawa ko?
Para na ‘kong ewan dito.
Ewan na naman.
Sige. Tama na yung puro ewan.
Bakit ko ba ginagawa lahat ng ‘to?
Bakit ba ikaw nalang madalas na iniisip ko?
Bakit ba baliw na baliw ako sa’yo?
Bakit gustong-gusto kitang makita?
Bakit gustong-gusto kitang maisip?
Bakit rin gustong- gusto kitang kalimutan?
Ewan.
Ewan na naman?
Ewan.

JOHANN again...

Haven’t written something in English for a while now.

This maybe because my Filipino essays became more prominent than those that I wrote in English. Hehehe…

Let me give it a try…

Exaggerated.
That’s how most people would describe it.
They can’t believe that an 18-year old, supposedly and somehow mature person like me would act like a grade-schooler and would do childish things just because of her huge crush to some varsity basketball player from another school who seem to play only at the last few seconds of every game.
I was able to talk to a very dear friend yesterday about my obsession for Johann (Uichico). Yep. He’s the varsity basketball player I’m crushing (as in CRUSHING) on the past months (or specifically, since the start of the 67th UAAP season).
She was one of those people I could talk in a matter-of-factly manner, someone who could come up to me and tell me what an idiot I am at times (or should I say most of the time?) and I wouldn’t get offended, and probably, I would even thank her for telling me.
But then again, she is almost always the first person I run to for comfort and reassurance whenever I feel that the whole world disapproves or laughs at the things that I do.
And so I asked her, “Am I obsessing about him too much? Exaggerated na ba talaga ang mga ginagawa ko?”
I knew she would say yes.
She has started counting the number of times I mention the name Johann in our conversations. She saved the countless messages I sent her (and other people, too) about the Ateneo game, Johann’s birthday and other Johann stuffs that, as what she said, she and other people, wouldn’t give a damn at. She even reminded me of the “dumb” things I did ever since I got that “Johann fever”--- how I would shout “Go Johann!” from my Upper Box B seat at the Araneta Coliseum even if Johann’s team isn’t playing; how I would find myself scribbling Johann’s name over almost all pieces of paper that I see; how I would space out most of the time because of daydreaming about Johann; the eager look on my face whenever my Atenista friends would tell me Johann stories; and most of all, and the “dumbest”, she said, was how somebody as sane (supposedly) and as smart like me, would resort into joining a contest that would give me a chance to date a UAAP player of my choice (syempre Johann’s my choice), and even use my supposedly, writing talent.
So I sat down at my favorite chair last night and contemplated on the matter. What I was thinking at this point is that my most trusted friend already said that I’m exaggerating and agreed with what most, if not all, people are saying instead of the usual, “Don’t care about what they say” stuff she used to tell me. Oh, Diane, this contemplating thing is also so exaggerated already, I said to myself. But then again, I felt that I had to give it some thought, just so I can hopefully, figure out my next step.
I looked at the Johann profiles I’ve researched; the magazines with his pictures and articles about him; the pieces of paper with my Johann artworks and scribbles. I even began thinking about all the dream I had that he was part of; all the daydreaming about him; and the number of people I’ve talked that got irritated because I kept talking about him.
OA nga ‘ata.
But I couldn’t help it. I don’t know how to stop it, or even, if I should stop this obsession already. I couldn’t seem to figure out if I had gone overboard already. I just find myself doing those things and feeling happy, if not to mention euphoric, after doing everything that would brace or intensify my “Johann brouhaha”.
For God’s sake, I couldn’t even figure out why I had developed a crush on him in the first place. I just submitted to the possibility that I must be destined by God to go gaga over Johann.
And as I give this matter some thought, I remembered a mantra my friends and me would say in times of indifference like this--- “I don’t care what other people say. What matters is that I’m happy and I’m not hurting anyone…”
So I shouldn’t care if other people feel I’m exaggerating? Or in the first place, I shouldn’t believe that I am?
Well, honestly, I feel that all the things I did and will be doing because of this “Johann fever” may be too much and exaggerated. But I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m not hurting anybody. I’m just admiring and crushing on somebody, maybe, just a little crazier than what a normal person, or should I say, mature person would do, but it’s okay. I’m happy.
And Johann ought to be happy--- and flattered, too.
So I guess there’s no issue after all. I’m just exaggerating.
Oh, and by the way, can you count the number of times I mentioned Johann’s name in this piece?

JOHANN!!!

Pupunta ako mamaya sa SM at maghahanap ng MAY 2004 issue ng MEG na si Chynna Ortaleza ang cover-girl dahil mayroon s’yang tatlong pictures doon.
Nag-text ako sa maraming tao na ipagdasal na sana manalo ang Ateneo sa knock-out game nila versus La Salle.
Kumakanta ako ng mga cheers ng Ateneo, pati na ang school hymn nila, na halos memoryado ko na, habang naglalakad pauwi.
Uuwi ako ng maaga para mapanood ko ang game na ‘yon kahit sa tv lang.
Sumagi sa isip kong lumipat ng Ateneo.
Nanonood at iniintindi ko na ang wrestling.
Pumayag akong samahan ang kaibigan kong mag-gym sa Moro Lorenzo sa Ateneo kahit na mahal ang babayaran.
Nagpa-wax ako ng kilay.(?!?)

Ewan ko.
Ewan ko kung bakit ginagawa ko ang lahat ng ito para kay Johann.
Oo, kay Johann--- kay Jonathan Rogel N. Uichico.
Jersey #12 ng Ateneo Blue Eagles. Forward.
Sophomore taking up Communications Technology Management---ang course na naipasa ko rin, not to mention first and dream choice ko sa lahat ng courses sa buong universe.
Hindi mo pa rin maalala?
Hindi mo talaga s’ya makikilala unless Atenista ka or unless hindi ka nanonood ng game at doon ka lang sa bench ng Blue Eagles nakatingin.
Yep---most of the time, bangko s’ya.
Pero alalang-alala ko yung mga panahong pinapasok s’ya sa court. Sabi nila, yun yung mga oras na nanonood yung tatay n’ya---c Jong Uichico.
Oo. Tatay n’ya c Jong Uichico na coach ng San Miguel.
Madalas, mga few minutes or seconds bago matapos ang half-time o ang 4th quarter---minsan kapag sure win, minsan naman kapag sure lose na din ang Blue Eagles.
Hindi rin s’ya nakaka-shoot. Pinapasa lang n’ya madalas ang bola sa mga key players.
Pa’no ko s’ya nakita kung ganon?
Gusto kong isiping itinakda ng Diyos na maging crush ko s’ya.
July 17, 2004. Cuneta Astrodome. 10 araw matapos ang birthday ko.
Environment: Nandoon ako para manood ng laban ng UE at UP. Talo ang UP. Nagkayayaan kaming magkakaibigan, (Earvin, Abi at ako) na manood ng game ng Ateneo at UST. Lumipat kami sa side ng Ateneo.
Heart condition: Manhid. Just a few months after my second major heartbreak kaya windang pa ang puso ko. Walang major boylet sa buhay dahil nga traumatized pa ako.
Kaya nga kami nagpunta sa side ng Ateneo. Gusto ko sanang maghanap ng boylet.
Outfit: Plain Casual. As in. Comfort t-shirt ko (yung binili ko sa Baguio), comfort pants (binili ko noong 4th year high school pa ako), at Tretorn rubber shoes (na hindi ko pa nalalabhan after a very long time) at blue and white na floral bag. Walang make-up. Naka-ponytail lang ang buhok.
Main event: Nagwa-warm-up na ang mga players ng parehong team. Hindi ko naman kilala ang mga players ng parehong team, bukod lang kay Fonacier, Tenorio at Tiu. Naghahanap ako ng mga gwapong Atenista sa paligid ko nang mapansin ko ang Barracoso na nakasulat sa jersey ng isang player ng Ateneo. Ah, naglalaro na pala para sa UAAP si Ken, ang kapatid ng classmate ko nung grade 6 na si Angelica. Ibabaling ko na ang tingin ko sa mga lalaki sa tabi ng upuan namin nang mapansin ko ang matangkad na player ng Ateneo sa likod ni Ken. Nag-shoot, pumasok at tumakbo sa likod ng pila.
Humarap sa direksyon namin.
Shit.
Miko Sotto, ikaw ba ‘yan?
Wala naman akong crush kay Miko Sotto (sumalangit nawa ang kanyang kaluluwa). Pero nakuha ng lalaking ito na kahawig n’ya ang atensyon ko.
Nagsimula na ang laro.
Tandang-tanda ko pa. Matatapos na ang second quarter. Nag-time out ang UST. Lamang ang Ateneo. Lumapit s’ya sa announcer. Nag-buzzer.
Ipinasok s’ya sa court.
At doon ko nakita ang jersey number n’ya at ang apelyidong nakalagay sa taas nito. Uichico. Astig.
Pinasok ulit s’ya bago matapos ang 3rd Quarter. Sa buong panahon na hindi s’ya naglalaro, I found myself just staring at him habang pinapanood rin n’ya ang game mula sa bench nila. At nung pinasok s’ya, nagulat ang mga kasama ko nang bigla akong nagtitili.
Things were never the same after that.
Kahit gabihin pa ako, pinapanood ko ang game nila. Madalas kasi, main event ang mga laro nila kaya 4 pm pa nagsisimula at 6 pa natatapos.
Hindi ako maka-cheer ng maayos para sa UP kapag sila ang kalaban dahil mas madalas ko pang isigaw ang “Go Johann!” na ikinaiinis ng mga kasama ko.
Minsan nga, kahit hindi Ateneo ang naglalaro, sumisigaw ako ng “Go Johann!” e.
Kapag sa tv naman ako nanonood, pinagdadasal kong mag-time out na para ma-feature ang bench nila dahil paniguradong tatayo s’ya at makikita sa tv. Ilang segundo rin ng kaligayahan para sa akin.
Noong huling laban ng UP at Ateneo, umupo kami sa tapat ng bench ng Ateneo. Sa Ultra ang game kaya sobrang lapit namin. Nang makita ko s’ya pagpasok ko pa lang ng court, nagtitili na ko. Muntikan na kong himatayin sa tuwa. Swear. Walang halong exaggeration.
Mas tumindi pa ang pagka-crush ko sa kanya nang malaman kong kaibigan n’ya si Rexan, isang malapit na kaibigan, at blockmate and super friend ng kabarkada kong si Nicole si Rachel, ang girlfriend n’ya.
Sa sobrang tindi, nakakatakot na.
Napapanaginipan ko na s’ya.
Nakatago sa wallet ko ang picture n’yang dinownload ko pa sa uaap.com. kahit pangit s’ya ‘don.
Inaway ko pa ang kaibigan kong nagsabi ng “Yuck! Crush mo si Uichico?”, at binantaan ko s’yang ‘wag na ‘wag lalaitin si Johann sa harapan ko kung ayaw n’yang masaktan. Akala n’ya joke lang pero sinampal ko s’ya afterwards.
Bumili pa ako ng sandamakmak na items na binebenta ni Nicole, isang kabarkada na nag-aaral sa Ateneo, para lang makapunta ako sa Ateneo at matanaw ko s’ya.
Nasira ko pa ang radio namin sa bahay sa kakamadaling pakinggan s’ya sa NU 107 isang gabi.
Tinext ko pa ang lahat ng taong kilala ko nung birthday n’ya. (September 15)
Lagi kong sinasabi na crush lang talaga. Totoo naman. Alam kong may girlfriend s’ya, alam kong malabo kami dahil hindi naman madalas nagkukrus ang aming landas unless gagawan ko ng paraan.
Pero hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ginagawa ko ang mga kabaliwang ito. Sabi nga ng best friend ko, para daw akong grade school kung umasta’t mag-isip.
Ewan ko talaga.
Baliw na ‘ata talaga ako sa kanya.
Ayaw mo pa ring maniwala?
Bakit kaya sa tingin mo sinulat ko ‘to?

isang panaginip...

hehehe...looking back at all the entries i wrote...i laughed at myself. shet na malufet...ang drama pala ng buhay ko noh! now, in line with the theme of this blog...napakababaw at nakakatawa itong post na 'to...hehehe...

nanaginip ako kagabi. nakakagulat. nakakatawa. nakakagising.
nitong mga nakalipas na araw, napakaraming bumabagabag sa isip ko. napakaraming nangyari. napakaraming magulong bagay na hindi ko ma-resolba.
una, hindi ko maisip kung bakit niya ko iniiwasan. siya naman 'tong nagsasabing bumalik kami sa dati, tapos siya 'tong iiwas ngayon. ang pathetic talaga. minsan, imbes na mainis ako dahil hindi ko maintindihan ang kaartehan niya, natatawa na lang ako kasi nakaka-awa siya. parang gusto kong isigaw na, "hoy! ang laki ng problema mo! kapal mo...sa'yo na jacket mo, 'di ko na gusto yan..." hehehe...pero syempre, ayoko namang maging bulgar, ayoko na rin kasi ng gulo kaya tahimik na lang ako. no confrontations, no questions. bahala na siya sa buhay niya...kung yan ang trip nya e di yan...pucha...hindi na siya importante sa akin ngayon para pagtuunan ko pa siya ng oras at pansin at lakas...mas marami akong iniintinding bagay kesa sa kanya...
pangalawa, nagkaroon naman ako ng obsession sa bwakanang inang basketball player na 'to. kahit first game ang UP pero kasunod ang game nila, manonood pa rin ako, kahit gabihin na ako. kung sila naman yung first game, pupunta ako ng maaga kahit na hindi na ako pumasok sa isang klase ko. at ang pinakamalala--- bangko siya. hindi siya pinapaglaro ng coach nila. isang beses ko pa lang siyang nakikitang maglaro, at wala pang tatlong minuto ang tinagal niya sa court. pero naka-3 points naman siya nun. at kahit bangko siya, kontento na akong pinapanood siyang magpainit ng puwet sa bench nila.
may girlfriend na rin pala siya. blockmate ng kabarkada ko. pero wala akong pakialam. ayoko naman siyang gawing boyfriend eh. kinikilig lang ako at muntikan nang malaglagan ng panty kapag nakikita ko siya. ngayong week nga na 'to, maglulunch date kami nung friend ko na nagtatrabaho sa school niya, at iso-stalk namin siya, kahit kasama pa niya ang girlfriend niya...hehehe...
pangatlo, excited na akong magpunta sa puerto galera sa sembreak. i heard maraming university boys na sembreak den ang magpupunta rin don. nasasayang ang oras ko sa kaka-pantasya ng lalaking makikilala ko sa galera. pinapantasya ko rin ang abs na pinagtatrabahuhan ko sa gym araw-araw. pathetic man, pero talagang kayod marino ako sa gym para ma-achieve ko ang pinakamimithing abs na babagay sa bikining isusuot ko sa galera. nagiipon na rin ako para may panggastos ako doon...baka mamaya maubusan ako ng cash...maiwan ako sa galera...at maging island girl na lang...not bad ha...kaya lang mas trip kong maging broadcaster kesa island girl...hehehe...
and lastly, ang dami kong ginagawa! midterms, research papers, short stories, papers, trainings, at kung anu-ano pang pagkakaabalahan. hindi ko na nga napapansing lumilipas ang mga araw sa dami ng ginagawa. hindi ko na mapagkasya ang mga ginagawa ko sa schedule ko...bwakanang shet...
at yun nga...nanaginip ako. nakita ko ang ideal guy ko. anong nakita ko?!? ATENISTA SIYA! may kotse...hindi masyadong gwapo...but definitely hindi panget...mabait...sweet...hindi masyadong matangkad...mature...bine-baby ako...man...siya...siya na talaga ang gusto kong maging boyfriend! and pucha, i don't care whether destiny is true...but i'm gonna make sure that i'm gonna get my dream guy to be my first boyfriend...even if it kills me. hindi ko siya hahanapin...darating at lalapit siya sakin! yehey!
at kahit na napakarami kong ginagawa, kahit na ngarag ako to the nth level...nakangiti pa rin ako. at maganda. humanda kang atenista ka. makikita din kita! hehehe....